Breaking Up Made Easy
Welcome back honey!As the song says, “breaking up is hard to do”. Sometimes we invest a lot of time and energy in relationships only to eventually realize that person we’re dating is just not "the one" for us. Unfortunately, these kinds of relationships aren’t as easily terminated as your typical Two-Week-Tommy. If you and your significant other have been through a lot together, then you won’t be able to just throw an arbitrary excuse their way and hope it will stick. If they have any sense at all they’ll see right through it.
In my graphic design class at school, we were assigned to create an image that diagrams a particular workflow. I figured I could take this project and make it dual purpose which will please both my teacher and you the readers. Follow this flow-chart of relationship problems to find the perfect break-up excuse for you. (Click the image to view FULL-SCREEN so you can actually read the excuses)
If you are the kind of cold-hearted monster who prefers to break up over Email or Text, here are all the excuses in text form, ready for you to Copy and Paste away.
Fight Reasons
-Sex
-Not Enough: " Intimacy is the most important component to a relationship and our lack of sex is ruining our relationship. "
-Too Much: "All you seem to want is sex and that’s not enough to base a meaningful relationship on."
-Lousy: "We're just not physically compatible."
-Cheater: (If your partner is cheating on you, they don’t deserve an excuse for why you’re breaking up.)
-Money
-Not Enough: "I set a certain standard of living for myself and you’re not meeting it."
-Too Much: "I’m not comfortable with this kind of extravagant lifestyle."
-Work
-Not Enough: "You’re too lazy and I’m not going to get sucked down with you."
-Too Much: "You’re working so much, we don’t spend enough time together and we’ve grown apart."
-Bad Habits
-Knuckle Cracking: "Every time I hear you crack your knuckles, I want to punch you in the face."
-Swearing: "Your swearing makes you seem much dumber than you are and I don’t want to be seen with you."
-Drinking: "I come from a family of alcoholics and I will not tolerate your constant drinking."
-Gum Chewing: "Every time I see you chewing that gum, all I see is a cow chewing it’s cud."
-Nail Biting: "I’m getting sick of finding little bits of your fingernails all over the place. It’s disgusting and I’m leaving."
-Other: "Your (bad habit here) is driving me crazy and I can’t be with you any more."
-Cleanliness
-Too Clean: "Your constant cleaning is insane and borders on obsessive compulsive disorder. I can’t stand to be with you for another second."
-Too Messy: "You keep this place looking like a pigsty and I can’t be with someone so disgustingly messy."
Breaking-Up Made Easy
Boyfriends piss me off. I remember a time when I used to overlook all the stupid things they do. I didn’t mind when my boyfriend said he was going to the baseball game with his loser buddies on a Friday night. When we were walking around the mall, I wouldn’t get all angry every time he turned his head to check out a hot chick. I even let him get away with leaving his disgusting, dirty, sweat stained hat on the my nice chest of drawers. 
But there comes a time in any relationship where you have to ask yourself if it’s going anywhere. If the answer you come up is a big fat “NO”, then it’s probably time for a break-up.
Some of you out there may not be very skilled in the “art of breaking-up”. This might only be the first or second time you’ve had to do it and that can make things seem quite a bit more difficult. Actually, having not done this a million times before can be a good thing. Since you won’t be so jaded to the whole situation, you’ll be able to really put some emotion into your break-up excuse. This “emotion” will make your guy (or girl) believe the excuse more and then you’ll both be able to move on.
Personally, I have had more boyfriends than I care to disclose to the public. Let’s just say, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to breaking up. Although I was able to take a little life lesson from each relationship I’ve been in, on the whole I think a majority of my boyfriends have been little more than diversions. As soon as I realized this, I almost started to enjoy breaking up with them. (Just to clarify, we’re mostly talking 2 and 3 week relationships here, nothing super serious). I began to write down my breakup excuses and take notes to remember which had been most effective. I will now share with you my Top 5 Break-Up Excuses for a Short Term Relationship.
Note: Most of these excuses will NOT work if you only date people in your own circle of friends, because word will get around too fast that you’re lying. You never want the reputation of being a liar because then nobody will believe your excuses again. These excuses are designed for boyfriends/ girlfriends who aren’t already integrated into your friend pool.
Excuse #5 – Switching Teams: “Lately I’ve been hanging around my friend Krissy a lot. I think I might be a lesbian and she and I are going to start dating."
Reason it works: Yeah, most guys are turned on by the idea of having a lesbian girlfriend. But when they eventually come to realize they’ve been written out of the equation completely, they’ll accept it. Added bonus, you get a reputation for being sexually adventurous! This may not work so well if you are a guy who is giving this excuse to a girl, we love to keep our gay man friends around.
Excuse #4 – Yanky Doodle: “I signed up for the National Guard two years ago. I just got a notice from my drill sergeant and they’re calling me up for service.”
Reason it works: You’re just fulfilling your patriotic duty and nobody is going to argue with the government. You can change the branch of the service to just about anything you want, depending on your region and what military bases you’re closest to. I heard later that this excuse inspired the guy I broke up with to enlist in the Army Reserve.
Excuse #3 – Lab Rat: “I’m checking into a lab for a 6 month long paid medical study. I don’t expect you to wait for me that whole time so we’ve got to break up now.”
Reason it works: You’re leaving for 6 months! It’s pretty unlikely that anyone is going to wait around for you that whole time. And if they say they will, then they’re lying or delusional. Either they believe it and leave you alone or they don’t believe but will still get the message that you don’t want them around any more.
Excuse #2 – Tough Choices: “I can’t be with someone who doesn’t like musician/actor/animal.”
Reason it works: This is a great excuse because it’s specific AND arbitrary. All you have to do is pick something that you found out your future-ex doesn’t like and use that against them. Try to pick something that you know they have strong feelings about. It’s even easier to do if you’re a girl because we are famous for our totally irrational behavior and choices. If they turn around and tell you “but I can change!”, tell them you’ve heard it all before and walk out before they can reply.
Excuse #1 – Just Experimenting: “I want to have sex with other men/women”
Reason it works: Honesty is sometimes the best policy and this excuse is exactly that. After all, that’s what dating is all about (when you’re young). Just tell this person the truth and hope they don’t interpret it to mean you want to have a three-way…