A Revised Food Pyramid
Welcome back honey!If I ruled the world, I can think of a few immediate changes I would make. First of all, children won’t be allowed out into the real world until they’re at least 17 years old. B: all handicapped people who park in non-handicapped parking spaces will have their little blue wheelchair logo revoked. And the third thing I would change is the food pyramid.
No more of this fruits and vegetables at the bottom stuff. If I ruled the world, the food pyramid would look something like this: We have the bottom of the pyramid, which would be Italian foods like pizza, pasta and calzones. Then there’s the middle, foods you should have 6 to 8 servings of each day. This would be mexican food, burritos, nachos and quesadillas. Finally, at the top of the pyramid you’d have the BBQ’ed food group. Hamburgers, hotdogs, steaks, lemonaide. Even though the top of the pyramid is supposed to be foods you eat the least, I think you should eat BBQ just as much as the foods at the bottom. So I guess, this is more of a food hourglass. But, whatever...
Now, even though I love BBQs, I realize that not everybody does. If you’ve been invited to a BBQ and you just can’t imagine actually going, here are some great excuses to get out of going to a barbeque.
Ol’ Smokey: I’d love to go to your BBQ, but the grill smoke irritates my sinuses and I can’t breathe the rest of the day.
Principle Of The Thing: I recently saw a video of a slaughterhouse and I’m going to be a vegetarian so I can’t support your consuming of defenseless animal flesh.
Alergic Retraction: My Hay-Fever has really been acting up lately and I’m worried that if I went to your barbeque, I’d be too busy sneezing and wheezing to actually eat anything.
Angry Bovine: I heard that there’s another strain of Mad Cow Disease circulating and I’d rather not take any chances with meat.
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Technorati Tags: BBQ, Cookout, Excuse, Ribs
Juvenile Excuses for a Juvenile World
Have you ever seen a 4 year old get in trouble for spilling the milk? He’ll be standing there in the kitchen holding his plastic sippy cup. Empty milk jug on the floor next to him, still trickling milk all over the place. And despite the abundance of evidence, when asked what happened, the 4 year old says “I don’t know. I didn’t do it.”
It’s actually kind of amazing to think that we ever once had the confidence (or naivete) to pull off such a bold lie. As we get older and learn more about the world, we start to learn what kinds of excuses are plausible and what kinds are ridiculous. But, between the ages of 4 and 8, you’re still experimenting with how much you can bend reality when it comes to excuses.
Luckily, the my parents kept a log of all my various whoppers. Here are some great excuses to use… if you’re 5 years old.
Knock Down: "I didn’t break the vase but I saw a big bird come in through the window and he knocked it over."
No Substitute for Education: "I’m not supposed to go to school today because my teacher told us that she’s going to be at the hospital and she can’t afford to hire a substitute."
No Balls: "Soccer practice was canceled today because they couldn’t find the ball."
Numerical Order: "I didn’t do my homework because my friend told me that it had to be done with a Number 3 pencil and all I have are Number 2s."
No, I’m not exactly sure when you’d ever have the occasion to use any of these excuses but at least now you have them.
Technorati Tags: childhood, Excuse, juvenile, lies
Our Relation-Ship is Sinking
Have you ever been in a relationship and it feels like every day you’re with that person is another day wasted that you’ll never get back? When you both drive somewhere together, do you find yourself fantasizing about pressing the ejector seat and launching them and their stupid hat into the stratosphere? Have you ever had dreams where you “accidentally” shaved off your boyfriend’s hair while he was sleeping and then you wake up standing over him and holding an electric hair trimmer? If so, never fear because ExcuseGal’s here!
Now, some of you may remember a post from a few months ago where we discussed some good break-up excuses. Well we got some requests on Twitter to post some more. Apparently a lot of people out there just have no idea how to break it off. If you feel like your relationship is on a non-stop train to nowhere, whip out one of these break-up excuses and you’ll be able to get off at the very next stop.
Laugh-In: You have a really annoying laugh and I can’t go out with someone who I’m embarrassed to go to the movies with.
Mirror, Mirror: You remind me too much of one of my ex-boyfriends. I can’t even look at you without seeing him.
Relationship Rift: We’ve been growing apart for a while now and I think it’s time we both see other people.
Luck of the Draw: I just won the lottery and I don’t want the money to come between us, so let’s break up now.
So, there you have it. Four more great break-up excuses for you to use next time you lose yourself in a bad relationship haze.
For more excuses you can follow ExcuseGal on Twitter or check out her YouTube Channel.
Technorati Tags: annoying, Break-up, ex-boyfriend, Excuse, Relationship
Something’s Cooking
Today’s excuse comes directly from our own ExcuseGal and her childhood growing up. Since, as usual, she’s too camera shy to actually do these video blogs herself, ExcuseGuy will be performing the role of ExcuseGal. So, you’ll just have to imagine he's about a foot and a half shorter and is a girl.
My mom made the best dinners ever. I can still remember coming home from elementary school and sitting down to a nice plate of homemade macaroni and cheese. When I got to high school, my Dad took over making dinners. He worked all day and came home and tried to figure out what to make. As a result, he got pretty great at creating excuses for being late with dinner. I never minded because he worked so hard to take care of me and my sister.
Here are some of my dad’s best "late-dinner" excuses.
Mis-Print: I think the recipe had a typo. It said to bake it for 6 minutes at 350, but it must have meant 60 minutes because it doesn’t look done yet.
The Fallen: I had a cheese soufflé in the oven for us, but the soufflé fell when the oven door slammed. Now I have to start all over on a different recipe.
Late Dinner: I just read today that the last meal of the day should be eaten about 4 hours before you go to bed. Since you typically go to bed at midnight, I pushed dinner back to 8 o’clock.
This final excuse has been copy and pasted directly from an email my dad sent me on my first week of college. I thought it was a great excuse, so I kept the email.
Market Troubles: “…I spent a bunch of time preparing to make macaroni and cheese but then I found out we had no macaroni so I went to the store, but all they had was the big ones which I know you don’t like, so I went to Safeway and got some of the good macaroni noodles. The checkout line was really long so I tried the self-checkout but the lady in front of me was trying to buy a watermelon or some kind of mellon and the machine couldn’t weigh it or she didn’t have the right code or something like that. I just got home now so dinner’s going to be a little late. “
So, next time you’re in charge of making dinner and somebody asks you what’s taking so long, you’ll have plenty of excuses for them.
Technorati Tags: apron, dad, dinner, email, Excuse, late, meals
Better Late Than Never…
Summer is a time for getting together with friends and family. That’s a big problem for me because the summer is when I just want to get away from it all. I tend to get very involved when I’m working on something. I don’t like to be taken away from it to go to some party or cookout. Because of this, I’m usually late to these things. It’s not like I just loose track of time or anything. If I’m late to a party it’s because I want to spend as little time there as possible.
Here are some of my most frequently used late-party excuses:
School of Starbucks: I’ll probably be late tonight because I have a class project meeting at Starbucks this evening.
Switching Shifts: A co-worker wants me to take their day shift so I can have tomorrow off. I’m doing the switch for him but I’m still coming to your party, I’ll just be later than I said originally.
Drip Drop: I’m have a leak coming from the apartment above me. The landlord said he’ll be fixing it soon, but I don’t want to leave until I know it’s stopped so I might be a little late to your party.
Family Matters: I’m really looking forward to your party tonight but I have to babysit my niece until 9:30 so I probably won’t be there for the start of it.
Technorati Tags: Excuse, late, niece, party, school project, starbucks, weird guy
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