Excuses that should never see the light of day
Welcome back honey!Last week I brought out a book that the ExcuseGal’s parents kept when she was little. It contained all the creative and unbelievable excuses that she had given from ages 4 thru 8. Well, I guess that gave the ExcuseGal the idea to continue the book on her own when she got old enough to do so. So today I'm bringing out The Excuse Book.
Inside these 150 lined pages are over 2000 excuses for just about every topic imaginable. And they’re grouped by topic. As you can see, there are notes here about each excuse. When it was used, who it was told to, etc. Some have smiley faces next to them, which means they were successful. Others have been crossed out completely, which means that for one reason or another they didn’t work.
Now, as I said, there are a lot of excuses in here. Over 2000 by my count. One of my hobbies was actually sitting down to think about hypothetical scenarios that might need excuses, so I could be prepared when they actually happened. The problem with this book, is that some of these excuses were written when I was only 7 or so. So, not only are they nearly illegible, they’re also not very believable.
There are some excuses that are so lame, they just need to be retired from the excuse book altogether. Today I will be reading from the Excuse Book some of my more juvinile excuses from when I was a little ExcuseGal. I’m also going to be crossing off each one with a permanent marker to forever expel them from the book.
Bad Dream: "I can’t go to school today because I had a bad dream."
- I have since refined this and turned it into a valid boyfriend excuse.
Stuffed: "I don’t want to eat dinner because I’m still full from last night’s dinner."
- This one is a pretty flimsy excuse because, well, it’s just stupid. Especially when you just the same excuse two for not eating last night’s dinner.
Dog Gone It: "The dog hid my shoes and I can’t go to school without shoes."
-Maybe if I was a boy, this would work. But girls always have more than one pair of shoes.
No School: "My teacher said today she wasn’t going to class today so we should stay home."
-This is the day mom told me all about the miracle of substitute teachers.
Ordinarily, this is the part of my blog post where I post a related incident or thought about any given topic before I post the actual excuses. Today I am not feeling too great, so I’m just going to cut to the chase.
Excuses for not going to school:
Whoop There It Is!: My doctor told me I have the symptoms of Whooping Cough and that I should stay away from people for the next few days because I’m very contagious.
Cactus Punch: I punctured my leg on a cactus this morning while jogging. I have to go to the ER to see if I need to get stictches.
Hey Gramps: My Grandpa flew up from Florida to surprise me with a visit this morning. He didn’t know I had class and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by leaving him all alone today.
Pet-Smart: I found a lost dog in my neighborhood this morning. She doesn’t have a collar so I’m taking her in to PetSmart to see if she has an id chip implanted on her.
Yesterday when I was at school I witnessed something interesting. One of my fellow classmates came into class about 15 minutes late. In any other classroom, he may have been able to sneak in unnoticed. However, our classroom has only one door, right at the front of the room. Couple that with the fact that the room is usually darkened and opening the door lets in copious amounts of daylight and you have a fool-proof recipe for disrupting class.
So this kid (I don’t know his name because I sit at the back because I’m an anti-social loser because society made me that way) opens the door and daylight pours into the room, instantly announcing his presence to everyone in class. The kid tries to walk quickly by my teacher, who is quite annoyed at the interruption, but teach isn’t having it. She stops him in his tracks and asks him why he’s late to class.
Caught off guard, the late student just kinda stands there for a moment, glancing around the room for any possible help his fellow classmates may be able to offer. Finding no such kindness, he finally says he doesn’t have a reason for being late. Well, my teacher, who’s kind of a B about some things, tells him that he either needs to show up to class on time or not show up at all. Then she makes him leave.
The absurdity of whole scene kind of amazed me. It also made me realize the role that excuses play in our daily life. Excuses are kind of like the building blocks of social interactions. Without a strong foundation of excuses, we’d all just go around being honest about everything. This would inevitably lead to countless hurt feelings and lost wages… and having to leave classrooms for being late.
Now, to present the next batch of excuses, I’m bringing in a new visual aide to help me. Excuse Blocks!
Basically, it breaks down like this: Groups of words form a sentence which represents “the truth”. Now, this truthful sentence will only serve to get the person giving it in trouble. What we’re going to do is augment the truth with our excuse blocks to turn the truth into something much better.
Sometimes, all it takes to turn the awful truth into a good excuse is to change one word. For example, if the truth is "I broke the vase" you can just switch "I" with "They". Your new sentence "They broke the vase" will absolve you from any blame for damaging such a priceless artifact.
Let’s take a look at improving another truthful sentence by replacing a few choice words.
"I’m feeling kinda lazy and I don’t want to work today."
If we replace "kinda lazy" with "really sick" and "don't want" with "can't come", we get a great new excuse.
"I’m feeling really sick and I can’t come to work today."
In some instances, you can even get away with rearranging the exact same words to say two completely different things. Lets check out our next example.
"Why are you wearing such an ugly dress on such a beautiful day?"
By switching the words "ugly" and "beautiful' around, we get a brand new sentence and nobody gets their feeling hurt.
"Why are you wearing such a beautiful dress on such an ugly day?"
Now let’s do one final sentence before we sign off.
"That dinner you made was so disgusting, I stopped eating because I felt like I might throw up later"
For this, we'll replace a few words from the truth and get a brand new excuse.
"That dinner you made was so delicious, I stopped eating because I wanted to save some for later."
Now the next time someone tells you that “honesty is the best policy”, you can politely nod your head in agreement, knowing that you’ve probably already spared their feelings countless times with your tactful excuses.
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Until then, I hope you have a good excuse.
Just Plain Don’t Feel Like Working
I know that sometimes the world can seem cruel and unforgiving. There are days when it feels like everybody is conspiring against you and nothing you do is right. I call these days “Weekdays”. And weekdays become even worse when you realize it’s also a work day.There is of course, only one cure when you're stricken down with Week-Day-Itis. Take the day off!
You're likely to face some opposition from your boss if you call in and say you just plain don't feel like working that day. What you need to successfully take the day off from work is a good excuse. Wouldn't you know it, we happen to have good excuses just for you.
If you can’t possibly take another day of mind-numbing monotony, try these excuses for not going to work.
Executor-Decision: I got a call that my uncle died and he has a will reading that I need to be present for because I somehow defaulted to be executor of his estate.
Deposition Depot: I have to go to some big-shot law office to be deposed for a car accident I witnessed a month ago.
Duty Calls: I have jury duty today. I thought was on the 13th of next month but I just discovered that it’s the 13th of this month.
Pet Cemetery: I need some time to get over the loss of my dog/cat, who died last night.
Remember, check out ExcuseGal’s YouTube Channel. I manage it and ExcuseGuy is in charge of shooting the content. Together, we’re working to create a one-stop-shop for all your Excuse Video needs. And if you like what you see, why not click the Subscribe button. We love to get subscribers! We crave the attention! Without it, we might die!
Your Fifteen Minutes Are Up
Eienstein said that time is relative. That explains why my days lounging at the beach seem to be over before they even start. It also explains why the last few hours of work seem to crawl by slower than a snail on valium. Some days I just can’t stand to stay at work for another second. To be fair, I only feel like that on days that end in "Y". If you're a clock watcher and can't wait to see the clock strike 5, here are some ideal excuses for getting out of work early.
Sick Day: The mechanic just told me they’re closing early because their technician got sick. I need to go get my car right now or I won’t be able to get it until next week.
Pox Pick Up: My nephew has chickenpox and has to be picked up at his preschool. My sister asked me to do it since she’s at a doctor’s appointment and can’t re-schedule it.
Window Pain: My neighbor just called me to tell me that my front window has been broken out. She called the police and I need to go home to see what’s going on.