Excuses that should never see the light of day
Welcome back honey!Last week I brought out a book that the ExcuseGal’s parents kept when she was little. It contained all the creative and unbelievable excuses that she had given from ages 4 thru 8. Well, I guess that gave the ExcuseGal the idea to continue the book on her own when she got old enough to do so. So today I'm bringing out The Excuse Book.
Inside these 150 lined pages are over 2000 excuses for just about every topic imaginable. And they’re grouped by topic. As you can see, there are notes here about each excuse. When it was used, who it was told to, etc. Some have smiley faces next to them, which means they were successful. Others have been crossed out completely, which means that for one reason or another they didn’t work.
Now, as I said, there are a lot of excuses in here. Over 2000 by my count. One of my hobbies was actually sitting down to think about hypothetical scenarios that might need excuses, so I could be prepared when they actually happened. The problem with this book, is that some of these excuses were written when I was only 7 or so. So, not only are they nearly illegible, they’re also not very believable.
There are some excuses that are so lame, they just need to be retired from the excuse book altogether. Today I will be reading from the Excuse Book some of my more juvinile excuses from when I was a little ExcuseGal. I’m also going to be crossing off each one with a permanent marker to forever expel them from the book.
Bad Dream: "I can’t go to school today because I had a bad dream."
- I have since refined this and turned it into a valid boyfriend excuse.
Stuffed: "I don’t want to eat dinner because I’m still full from last night’s dinner."
- This one is a pretty flimsy excuse because, well, it’s just stupid. Especially when you just the same excuse two for not eating last night’s dinner.
Dog Gone It: "The dog hid my shoes and I can’t go to school without shoes."
-Maybe if I was a boy, this would work. But girls always have more than one pair of shoes.
No School: "My teacher said today she wasn’t going to class today so we should stay home."
-This is the day mom told me all about the miracle of substitute teachers.
Where’s da Money?
If today is the 31st of the month, that invariably means that tomorrow will be the first of the month. And if you are a renter of a house, apartment or trailer then tomorrow is when your landlord asks you for money. It’s not unreasonable of them to expect money in exchange for providing shelter, but it’s a little unrealistic to expect that you’ll be able to provide the full amount, month after month.
Landlords can be surprisingly flexible when it comes to the rent. And you can bargan with them if you need to. After all, they’d much rather get some money from you than none at all.
If you find yourself on the first of the month with slightly less than enough money, here are some great excuses to toss your landlord’s way for why you don’t have all the rent..
Bountiful Harvest: "I had the cash for the rent in an envelope on the counter next to my grocery list. My boyfriend saw it and thought I wanted him to take the money to the store. He bought all the groceries on the list and gave me back the money he didn’t spend, so now I’m $200 short."
Call It A Wash: "I explained to my niece that money was dirty and she shouldn’t play with it. I found out today that she took all the money from my cashed paycheck and flushed it down the toilet. The plumber told me it’s not recoverable."
Pet Problems: "My hamster got wedged under his wheel and I took him to the vet because he had some broken ribs. The vet set his ribs in a cast, but it cost $300."
Brakes-Down: "My car broke down yesterday and the mechanic said my brakes had to be replaced and it would cost $320."
Ordinarily, this is the part of my blog post where I post a related incident or thought about any given topic before I post the actual excuses. Today I am not feeling too great, so I’m just going to cut to the chase.
Excuses for not going to school:
Whoop There It Is!: My doctor told me I have the symptoms of Whooping Cough and that I should stay away from people for the next few days because I’m very contagious.
Cactus Punch: I punctured my leg on a cactus this morning while jogging. I have to go to the ER to see if I need to get stictches.
Hey Gramps: My Grandpa flew up from Florida to surprise me with a visit this morning. He didn’t know I had class and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by leaving him all alone today.
Pet-Smart: I found a lost dog in my neighborhood this morning. She doesn’t have a collar so I’m taking her in to PetSmart to see if she has an id chip implanted on her.